There are days where if I really deeply think about it, I’ll go into this state of feeling like I’m not doing enough as a writer and/or I’m not feeling like I’m enough as a writer. Recently, I’ve been experiencing that feeling again.
A lot of it comes from the results, or lack of, from my work and progress as a writer so far, and how frequently it’s happening. There are so many instances I can go off of.
Yes, I’ve written and published two novels, but it’s only within recent time that I’ve started writing a third one (after the previous attempt at a third novel was shelved). It’s also taking me longer to write this one so far, and I don’t like that at all.
I wrote a short story last summer. I’ve never said anything about it before because there are currently no plans of it being published. Maybe there would be if I actually take the time to edit it and do re-writes, and also submit it to the various publications that are in existence.
This summer will be five years since my debut novel came out, and yet even in all that time, I’m still relatively unknown as an author. I especially feel this dissatisfaction over this whenever I hear about a new anthology coming out with contributions from authors I follow, and I think to myself, How the hell have I not been asked to participate in something like that yet?
When I consider these short comings, I cannot help but feel disappointed in myself. I’ve always had high expectations for myself, and if I had it my way, I’d be further along in my career as a writer than I currently am.
But then I remind myself to bear in mind that not only does writing take time, but also that when you’re trying to get it seen by a higher power of sorts, that can be a process in of itself. Already, I’m submitting my screenplay to different competitions and fellowships. I’m destined to receive rejections, but I’m also setting myself up for possibly going somewhere.
I also try not to be too hard on myself when I’m still trying to figure out how to balance my writing with my day job. That’s an arrangement that many creatives experience, but when I’m going at it alone, it can take a little longer to manage.
I’m truly constantly at work. Yes, I can definitely make the effort to act on the things that I still want to do, but I can’t be too discouraged at where I’ve fallen short, especially when I remind myself that I have done quite a bit so far. I think what will help down the line is this: I need someone(s) who’re willing to take a chance on me.
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